day117 - (non)monogamouse
do you invite complexity into your relationships or does it just come with the territory?
for all the silliness in my life lately I've done a good job of keeping casual stuff casual. either avoiding situations where feelings seem imminent (for me, at least), or relegating my dalliances to platonic friends that I find attractive.
but I've fucked that up a little bit, cause I've got a bit of a crush.
publicising this blog has fucked me a little bit because it's made it easy for people I know to peer into my skull and see my thoughts, which is a bit of a shame cause I'd like to just write about the person and hope they find it by chance one day.
which part of me still hopes is the case! who knows.
I couldn't sleep very well last night, my heart was racing too fast on account of lying next to them, something I'd never imagined I'd get to do— I'm a little worried that I'll never get to do it again.
This is not one of those crushes where you just get to indulge in the giddiness and see where things take you, to me it feels more like "in another life maybe this would make sense". It's possible they have a less cataclysmic outlook, and equally possible, probable even, that I'm jumping the gun and feeling too much too fast.
All that aside, I'm writing this and feeling my heart beat in my throat, anxious as all fuck that I've ruined another beautiful relationship that could've done without my hedonistic meddling. Keep checking to see if messages are read, keep feeling the shiver of dread through me as I mistake the word "sent", for "seen" momentarily.
For at least twelve hours I was their part-time mouse— a funny thing to want despite my full-time mousey role with another employer, but it was wonderful.
I wouldn't blame them if this ordeal was so stressful, such a narrowly avoided disaster that they decided they didn't want to see me like that again. And I know that things have been going so well for me (in this regard, at least) lately that I'm due for an L. But I really really hope my fears are proven wrong.