day120 - main character complex
cw: discussions of suicide
do you think all martyrdom is based in egotism? i mean, to be successfully martyred is to be raised to an almost godlike status. suddenly you're more than a physical person, you're the embodiment of the ideals you supposedly sacrificed yourself for. it doesn't even matter if everything you did right before the end was in complete contradiction to your stated principles. There will always be people around to cook the history books.
Charlie Kirk used to be a loser who debated college kids for internet points. Now he's the Christ for wine moms with drop shipping businesses.
I hope there's an afterlife just for all the failed martyrs. The guys who died for it but never got the glory. That's gotta suck. To know that you never strayed from your principles but that it meant nothing because you didn't have enough YouTube subscribers.
I think everybody fantasizes about it at some point. Dying for someone, some people, some beliefs. Like the ultimate test of fealty and devotion is sacrifice. Where did we get that from? If you say "the Bible" I'm going to hit you with a shovel. It's an old book, surely we've got newer source material to draw from.
It's especially easy when you want to die already. Win-win, I get what I want and people think I was really cool. I used to fantasise about killing myself and I would imagine my funeral, which if you think about it, is just like your very last birthday party. except you're allowed to judge people for not coming to this one. I used to wonder who would show up. Would people who didn't talk to me, didn't like me anymore find themselves suddenly reminded of why they cared about me in the first place? Would people who barely knew me start waxing poetic about the impact I had on their lives? And would people call them on it? or would the apparatus of politeness ensure that nobody's displays of grief went interrogated?
Sometimes it was out of malice. Sometimes I wanted people to realise just how badly I was hurting, to make them guilty for how they never took it seriously. I feel bad about that.
But I think mostly it was comforting to imagine people's utmost expression of love for me in the moments when I felt so profoundly unimportant, uncared for.
maybe the most selfless martyr is the one that doesn't care if nobody remembers. when do you stop being selfless and start being stupid? I think it's when you lose the drive to go after the things you want in life, even if you don't think you deserve them. half the things in my life I secretly feel like I'm not worthy of, but someone decided I was at some point! so who the hell am I to question that? you wouldn't believe how many people I watch day-to-day staring wistfully at some opportunity right in front of them, and when you ask "Why don't you go after it?" they give you some story about not stepping on anybody's toes. you're stepping on your own toes! this world is too crowded to be worried about that.
I was working this job the other week and they had this kinda communal lunch setup, first come first served. and I see this guy just standing at the table, hands empty. I tell him, go get some food! He says no thanks, he's just gonna wait until everyone else has got theirs, then he'll eat. I don't know if it was just because it was crowded or why he did that, but it confused me. I feel like there's a way to be polite while also making sure you get to eat. I dunno. He was a sweet guy. Kept saying sorry like he was in everybody's way. Maybe he won't always feel so worried about that.
Sometimes it makes things harder, when people try to put their own feelings aside for your benefit. When you're going after what you want but they've decided what they want isn't so important. Nobody asked you to fall on your sword about this! It makes me mad, and a little sad too. You just end up hurting them, you don't even get a choice to compromise. They just walk forwards til the knife you're holding is buried to the hilt in their chest. You never wanted to kill anybody. You thought they'd say "Hey, I'm about to walk forward, could you put the knife down real quick?", but no, they didn't wanna inconvenience you with the sound of their voice.
I just want people to feel worthy enough to prioritise themselves once in a while. It's not so bad to be a little selfish. I learned that it's all a risk, everything you do, and I've known consequences both good and bad. but you gotta move. you can't just stay still for fear of blocking the path for somebody else.
oh yeah, and merry Christmas.