day123 - what i would say
I was driving when I first got your message, so I couldn't read it right away
The fact that you had messaged at all set me ill-at-ease, because since february you've only done that if you needed something, or if something was wrong
I got home, reluctantly opened the message, and the floor fell out from under me and I landed hard, back where I was last year, my face red, feeling the skin on my back crawl in anticipation of the lashes I imagined I had earned
because since february you have been "thinking" journalling "gathering your thoughts" about "the relationship" about "how things happened" and i knew your conclusions when i messaged lilli jax michelle kenz leon melody sasha and heard nothing back
there had been a grand reappraisal and maybe i deserve it but i don't know i can't prove a negative
funny how this same thing happened before with a different friend and nearly all of them came to my defence and said "it's okay" but i wonder now if we have come to a new conclusion
i don't know why you want to talk about this if it isn't to tell me about all the soul searching you think I need to do all the therapy I need to become a better person because you're worried I push everyone away I social climb I alienate everyone I love
community is such bullshit these people don't want community they want a common enemy and who better than a tranny sure some of them are trannies but they're the good kind their trauma is valid it's normal when they're maladaptive
all my quirks are malicious yours are neurodivergent
so the truth is I want to run block everyone get rid pare down cut you all loose because and I have heard this from multiple people they have never seen me so off balance so scared so meek as when you are around
i hate performing for you all i hate feeling the glass dig into my bare feet i hate watching you lick your lips when i wince in pain but i hate knowing that i have disappointed you all i have lost so many people against my will as it i i'm just doing damage control
i will answer and i will shoulder the blame you want me to wear, and it's not restorative justice, it's punitive, you're not the moral paragon you think you are
none of us are free of sin, maybe one day you will remember me and cast your thoughts inward enough to feel a modicum of guilt
but i'd rather you just forgive me