day124 - x days left
content warning:
i don't think you should read this if you've struggled with disordered eating or body image issues before.
i keep getting the sense that i only have a few years left to be pretty (skinny). i feel it when I wear anything low rise or crop, or tight fitting— just the most profound disgust for my body. i'm skinny-passing, which means it's not so much a problem until i step into a change room or see myself naked. i don't understand how people find me attractive, find my body attractive. I understand the appeal of curves, but not this.
my sister is really skinny and i hate her for it. how dare she get to enjoy so many years of being young and beautiful.
lately I've been trying to get healthier, build strength, losing weight is a much quieter but still obvious motive. I've been getting afraid that if I don't get skinny soon, within a few years, it won't ever happen. I'll be like this forever. I'll never feel happy with myself, and I guess I know that I wouldn't feel satisfied with myself anyway, but don't I deserve a break?
I'll have maybe two years of being pretty. then I'll go back to being average once I'm in my late twenties. The countdown terrifies me, and I've hated my body my entire life so far. I don't like perpetuating these ideas. I don't buy into them, rationally. but I look at myself and can't seem to see anything besides a disgusting freak with no impulse control. even then it's not enough to guilt me into changing my behaviour (even though I know getting guilt wrapped up in these kinds of things is a terrible idea). I just want to feel pretty for a couple of years. To not spend an overwhelming amount of time wishing to tear chunks of flesh away from my body.
I did warn you