day125 - "and when you say the word forever,"
it's so easy for me to be terrified, to begin preparing for the worst-case scenario
but i will choose to hope, even if it kills me.
this blog, in retrospect, was built on the desperate pleas of a delusional woman. "maybe this will turn out okay!" she said, when it clearly wouldn't. and it didn't. time has proven that. I hoped for impossible outcomes that furrowed the brows of my friends.
this blog is also built on the mantra of "this time it's different" and unfortunately I must stand by that. it is different. distinct from a plethora of scenarios summoned by my stupid pattern-seeking ape brain. I am a different me than I was, and she is a different "her" than the last. I could sit here and agonisingly articulate how terrified I am of the possibility of losing a newfound soulmate, of her coming to occupy a soul-sized excavation in my person.
but I won't. I will continue the great tradition of my optimism, not blind but not entirely clear-eyed either.
if you're reading this, and I know you are
I love you. We will figure it out. I can hardly accept such a bleak outcome to be possible when our love is so overwhelmingly strong. I will cling to cliché and superstition until tangible hope rears its head. Once again, I love you. I cannot, and will not imagine a life without you.