day127 - sineater
I think I started a blog because I wanted a semi-public outlet for my pain, one that felt more dignified than posting cries for help on an Instagram story. It's possible that of the magnitudes of vanity, it's worse to assume that people want to read your long-form whining.
I often think that if I'm honest enough in what I create or write, I give voice to my insecurities, people will excuse it. It feels like handing a permission slip to my readers and going on the field trip whether they sign it or not. I expressed the urge once to someone and she told me that it could come off as insincere or annoying. For someone that is occasionally described as unapologetic, I'm pretty much the opposite.
I'm burying the lead on some big feelings right now. I'm actually feeling almost entirely numb, struggling feels as productive as trying to swim against the current. Right now I'm just limp, hoping I'll wash up on a better shore. It'll probably be different to the one I had hoped.
It was nice being a pet for a few weeks. It sounds demeaning but it wasn't really. I liked curling up on the end of the bed. It felt like I was a prism (or some less trite metaphor) into which so much love, all of the love between them, shone through and refracted.
"I'm so happy it worked out this way. I don't know what I would have done if it hadn't."
it'd be easy to be bitter but I'm not
got too familiar started eating from the table taking up more and more space in the bed
didn't mean to
wanted to be good
I probably could have made it work somehow. I'm sorry I didn't.
Thank you both for some of the happiest months in recent memory.
I was ready to write a much more whiny piece— yes white girl, you are just like Joan of Arc— but I think really it boils down to something my mother said, after I told her what happened.
"it's really brave, putting it all on the line the way you do, but don't you think you could be protecting your feelings a little more?"
The question felt more rhetorical than anything else.
I replied,
"I don't think I can. I think I'm just like this.
like it was the most obvious answer in the world, she finally said
"I know, love. I thought so."