day129 - return to form
dear luci,
i'm falling back into old patterns. when i write, i can't do anything but recount. the extra cortisol has burnt my nervous system. i've been craving a life on autopilot, selling all the seats on the board to chance and superstition. having to turn around and say "no, you didn't tempt fate by being smug on social media about it".
in my head i'm filtering everything i do day-to-day through that scene in Twilight New Moon where Bella discovers depression for the first time, but it probably doesn't look that dire. i've just been really whiny. people ask me how i am and i tell them the truth, try to explain the situation (mouse, stop traumadumping at the video game convention) and file away their well-meaning but confused sympathy. no i don't want to be quiet about it, it's important that people know what happened, for some reason.
it's been a week since things stopped feeling real. a brief birthday celebration and cinema outing bookended by a precariously tied sandbag falling on my head— and i woke up in a suspiciously similar world to the one i knew, but with a few things entirely wrong, "facts" that send my mind reeling, fill me with revulsion like a lovecraft protagonist with pronouns. i suspect that any day now a second sandbag will grace my skull and reseat whatever the first one knocked loose.
until then my options are limited. i finished the craft project i had resolved to make for the aforementioned birthday last week, nearly 10,000 individual stitches to occupy myself with in the most mechanical and mindless sense. now I have time to Actually descend into madness, climb up the walls a little bit, god I wish I weren't employed so I could formalise my flirtation with psychosis.
you're getting a strong picture I think. I haven't really left the house for anything this week, I haven't been focusing properly, just cooped up playing the day-night cycle of my life without completing any missions, main or side. i want to channel my insanity into something worthwhile, like art or something, but that seems unlikely. i want to play music, cover all the songs that make me think of her and not stop until I'm happy with it.
but instead, I won't.
I don't ever feel good posting these. who does it really benefit. I've left the numbering out by one on purpose. I'll start moving on if you need me too. if it makes it easier for you to cope. what I'm most terrified of is hanging on when you've already accepted it.
hope you're well luci, I miss you but your talents are much more needed where you are right now. 💜