day132 - give me your HAL
i need your hot allostatic load. do you wanna fill me up? do you wanna make me yours?
i know you saw me looking at her tonight. saw my eyes wander from you. you were angry. it made you feel small, pathetic, pitiable— you know everyone in the room could see what I was doing. everyone in the room was watching you let me get away with it.
you want to hurt me? hurt me. it's okay, I like it. make me apologise. make me promise never to do it again.
but I will do it again because that's just the kind of girl I am. you don't mind though. you love to put me in my place because it makes you feel good. not just in a hedonistic way— it makes you feel righteous. you like teaching me this lesson. take an open hand to my face and tell me you love me afterwards, that it's all for my own good.
do you know why you do it? I bet you want me to tell you. why don't you wrap your hands around my throat and squeeze when I've struck a nerve.
because you're weak. you h..hate ..ourself. y ou n eed a. re.ason to f eel st rong. y-you Ccan't bear to s.ee yyourSelf as nything buT A Victim. y—r pa thetiC. f…….uck.
thank. cough. you. splutter.
do you feel better? look me in the eyes next time. watch my eyes roll back into my skull. don't be such a bitch— because it's okay that you do this, right? I deserve it, right? have the guts to watch the consequences of your actions. this is your moral imperative.
I know what it is. it's not that you don't want to watch me suffer. you just don't want ME to see the hate in your eyes. what happens when we pull back the facade of compassion and love? you just want to batter me for how I made you feel, and you want to feel moral doing it. you're disgusting.
so. same time next week?