day133 - worth it?
dear luci,
it's been a difficult month, but you and pretty much everyone close to me already knows that— either I've told them or they're keen sleuths who have noticed almost indistinguishable cues in my behaviour. a momentary slump in my posture, the occasional twitch of my eyelid.
"you played the part to perfection, mouse, but we, who know you so well, see through your meticulously crafted ruse!", they say.
rats! i'll get them next time.
anyway. during the past month i've been thinking a normal amount about hope and how much is reasonable, for how long, before you reach the point of self-delusion. i haven't reached a conclusion. i'm all raw nerves and anxious energy, trying to swim back to myself against the current: I think that's usually not very conducive to clear-headedness.
it's easy to feel the pull of pessimism, or worse, its twin/cousin "realism", which is just a kind of rationalised pessimism in my eyes.
it's compelling to recontextualize all of my hope as foolish naivete, but sincerity is golden in such a cynical world. why shouldn't I at least wish for what I want?
all I can ever do is try the absolute best for me and mine. I promise I'll keep doing that. I'll keep trying. that's worthwhile.
sweet dreams Luci 💜💜