day16 - keep climbing (arms are tired)
dear luci,
lately i have been feeling lonely and withdrawing from the world around me.
During the week, I wake up, go to the office, go home, nap, have dinner, write/shower and go to bed. The next day, I do the same. I have found God in routine. And it is repetitive and inane but it is holy. That's what God is, right? A series of rituals you perform because tradition decrees it. The mandate that you needn't question your beliefs, and if you do: that's blasphemy.
I dread the weekends. Empty space in my calendar feels like a black hole, anything caught in its pull is forfeit. Two days where I don't have an excuse to adorn myself in the vestments of perpetual motion.
I only feel at peace in the hours before I go to sleep. I'm not avoiding something that needs to be confronted. I've done all my confronting. I'm avoiding pain. Pain that I don't have to feel if I force myself to keep moving in the hopes that the momentum I'm gathering will finally carry me into a better chapter of my life.
While I mostly miss people, I often don't have time to, and as a result my communication with them is more sporadic. For the first time in my life, the people closest to me don't have to experience a live feed of my emotional state. I know I shouldn't, but I feel good when I watch them puzzle over me. Their eyes have this way of saying "You seem like you're doing better than I expected, but I can't tell." I've even considered taking this blog private, migrating it to some journal or notes app, but then they'd have no clue, and I don't want to lose the people who can be bothered to check the site to see how I'm going.
But I'm afraid I'm slowing down from my (relative to me) breakneck pace. That I will run out of half-baked reasons to be in the office. I will sequester myself to my home and do precious little.
And recently I noticed myself breaking through the veil of emotional distance. It felt good, and I felt happy again, but I can't help but feel like I need to treat that as a nice, occasional deviation from the status quo. A "sometimes food". It is simply too painful to imagine myself tearing the barrier down completely and risking my tendency to overindulge. Better to enjoy some mild self sufficience.
In any case, we'll see.
Sweet dreams, Luci