day75 - dreams and unreality
dear luci,
There are a few things I could talk about tonight, but for many reasons, I won't. Chief among them is that I care about the people involved too much to air out their dirty laundry in a publicly accessible medium. Full disclosure too, I have been becoming hyperaware of the things I really dislike about my literary voice, and I'm doing like, all of those right now, so bear with me.
My free days have been very dreamlike lately. Not in content or feeling, but form and structure. I often have dreams which feel completely real in the moment. They're entirely shapeless and too vague to form a cohesive mental picture, but within the dream, some part of my consciousness asks itself "Is this really happening?" and a voice replies "Yes. It is.". So I continue the dream, obediently deciding that it must be true and disregarding all evidence to the contrary. Then, of course, in the morning (provided you remember the dream), you get over your initial wake-up disorientation and realise that was all entirely fabricated. And if you can't remember it, the best you can do is pick out a few fuzzy shapes hidden behind so much television static.
I get a similar feeling when I look back on my waking days. There are a few key events, one or two supporting characters, and a sudden reset to status quo at night.
The last week has been a blur. I have had pleasant dreams and bad dreams alike, but in the end it all feels intangible. There's little to no residual feeling once I am outside of my dreamy interludes.
I'm sorry. There's probably more to this. But I'm so sleepy. When will my days have shape and colour again? What do I do to make that happen? I cannot seek refuge from myself, intentionally or otherwise, in dreamland.
Sweet dreams Luci <3