day82 - competency is overrated, or, the argument against driver's licences
dear luci,
today i referenced this clip in conversation, which makes me laugh every fucking time i think about it.
then i went to go and record an audition for a project i really want to be a part of.
i havenāt done the whole acting thing in a bit. i wonder frequently whether or not itās for me. something about being able to conjure up a perfectly formed image of what it should look like while reading the script, but completely failing to execute that in real life is truly exhausting and deeply embarrassing to me. nevertheless, i set up a camera in a room with my scene partner, and we went for it. she expressed her nerves.
āYouāre like, a real actor.ā
I didnāt feel like it. I spent the week imagining these characters, trying to figure out how they should sound, and still my performance was jittery, unnaturally paced, and tonally dubious.
I love acting. I donāt know why. Is it just an attention thing? or am I being aggressively uncharitable? I love thinking about character, but when it comes time to inhabit them, it feels like iām a phone trying to connect to a weak wifi signal. i drop in and out, desperately seeking something strong enough to latch onto. more often than not, it leaves my performances stilted.
i tend to wonder if iām cut out for all this, or if i should justā¦ call it. this isnāt me being down on myself, i genuinely donāt know what, if anything, is standing between me and my best life as a performer. what hasnāt clicked in my brain? what mental wall is holding me back?
this is a common refrain for most of the things i love or find interest in. tech, writing, filmmaking, acting, game dev, music etc. it feels like iām brushing up against the ceiling of what i am capable of.
soā¦ competency.
not a thing i tend to think i have an abundance of. i do a lot of thingsā¦ just fine, but when i reach the threshold of goodness, even greatness, i canāt break through. no matter how much i try.
but trying is all i can really do.
if i really didnāt believe in myself, or really didnāt have hope in my heart, i wouldnāt have auditioned for this project. i wouldnāt be playing music still. iād have given up. as tempting as the idea sounds, i donāt think i can let myself. selfishly, because i believe i still have it, whatever it is. that je ne sais quoi, the sauce, the touch. no matter how mediocre i prove myself to be. so iāll try to fail upwards. iāll keep trying. i am rolling my boulder up the hill because even if i donāt reach the top, fuck it. itās fun sometimes. sometimes it really isnāt, though. your arms get tired. your back starts to ache. your eyes sting with the feeling of shame and embarrassment. this was your one job, and you couldnāt even do that?
but we weather that as it comes. after all,
āThe struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart.
One must imagine Sisyphus happy.ā
-- Albert Camus
Sometimes trying, no matter how futile it feels, can be fucking satisfying.
So weāll keep trying, I think. it's all we got.
sweet dreams, luci <3