day94 - seclusion
dear luci,
i am officially sick.
i spent most of last week tucked away from the world because two people close to me had COVID, and I was certain there was a strong chance I had also been exposed. so i waited the week out. waited an extra day, just to be safe. it was a very lonely week with no hugs (save for a few last saturday when i was sure i was in the clear). it sucked for many reasons, but largely because i couldnāt visit a girl iām seeing? talking to? suddenly quite close to.
two weeks ago we got to roleplay domesticity for a day, as the fallen strands of long, black hair in my bedding like to remind me. itās been many months since iāve known anything close to that kind of contentment.
but i saw her again on tuesday. we shot shy, smiling glances at each other from across the office. an office i used to go into every day, where i thought iād catch her looking over at me sometimes, but that couldnāt have been right, she wouldnāt have any interest in me, right? (to this day i have no idea whether she was just glancing into the distance) an office where i was doing my utmost to keep from falling into a depressive, stagnant haze, where all i did was sleep and hurt.
still thereās a black hole at the centre of my heart, trying to feed on all the light that dares come near. it has gotten smaller, weaker, but i can still feel its pull. almost like a physical sensation at the back of my mind whenever i feel happy or satisfied or comfortable.
and two days later, iām sick and i am back to square one. back in seclusion, despite a barrage of negative RAT tests. i canāt visit my hometown for my uncleās fiftieth, anymore.
itās not COVID. but i donāt really want to get her, or anyone else for that matter, sick. thereās a distinct possibility itās a stress/exhaustion response, honestly. my body catching up to me, telling me āhey, you idiot. youāve been pushing yourself too hard. now you have to suffer.ā she would be right to say that. but i have also been barely surviving the daily grind, so to speak. no extracurriculars. just eat, sleep, work, and repeat step one at regular intervals.
this sucks. i was already feeling lonely. now my seclusion has been formalised.
i count my blessings too. how novel of me to complain about being isolated for what will likely end up being a week or less (hopefully). thatās nothing. i know people who would kill for a lenient sentence like that.
all my whining does not change the end result. i am sick, and i am alone again.
sweet dreams, luci <3